Judas on The Bachelor?
Machiavelli running Amazon’s Twitter??
Let’s write some historical characters in modern situations!
During the last stream, a subscriber requested that we write some historical characters in modern situations.
First, chat came up with a bunch of historical characters, and then a bunch of modern situations. They voted on their favorite characters, and we spun the wheel to pick the situation.
The first historical character: One of Jesus’ Disciples
The first modern situation: Goes on a reality TV show
Here’s what we wrote:
In this final week of The Disciple, Judas gets to make his final decision. Will the last rose go to Christina, the pious girl who’s had his heart since day one, or Caia, the party animal from Louisiana. Meow! Let’s tune in now for the epic climax.
“Ladies,” Judas said, “I’ve made my decision.”
Oh, here we go! There’s the man of the hour, standing before the two remaining women in the warmly lit, carpeted room supplied by our generous sponsor Home Depot. Look at the rose in his hand, the final one after all these weeks. It looks like he’s ready to walk up in his trademark toga and sandals to the victor and hand it over to her.
Let’s check in on the ladies real quick. Oh, check out the confidence in Christina! She’s standing expectantly, tall in her plain dress and hair tied in a bun. We heard her confess several times that she felt no one was more deserving of Judas’s love than she was. That her whole being here was a god-made situation for her to save Judas’s soul.
But let’s not discount Caia just yet! She’s been the dark horse of this whole competition, tempting Judas left and right. Look at her in her leopard print leotard, rocking her crocs made of crocs, bouncing to a beat only she can hear in her own head. Will she be the one to sway Judas’s blackened heart?
Here we go, folks! Judas is taking his first step toward… Christina! And look at that, for the first time this whole season, we get to see the girl smile. All this time, she’s told us she’s been saving her joy for marriage, but now it looks like she might actually—
Oh? What’s this? A last minute swerve! Judas makes a bee-line for Caia instead. Is this some sort of ruse? Some sort of final test?
No, there’s the rose! Let’s check in with the microphones.
“Caia,” Judas said. “This final rose is for you. Will you accept it?”
“Enh, whatever,” she said, snatching it from his hand with her teeth. “ I ain’t the kind of girl to be chained down, ya know?”
Uh, oh. Looks like we have trouble, folks! Christina is marching over to Judas and Caia, and she does not look pleased.
“Judas!” Christina cried. “How could you? I trusted you. I gave you my everything. During our last supper together, you told me we’d be together forever.”
“Sorry, L’il C,” Judas said, reaching into his toga pocket. His fingers made a clinking, metallic noise. “You might have a heart of gold, but Caia has actual silver.”
Yikes! We haven’t seen Christina this mad all season. Not even when the moneylenders set up shop outside Disciple HQ.
But wait. What’s this? Another twist! Caia is now heading over to Christina. Are we going to get some sort of final catfight? What a way to end such a tumultuous season!
“Girl,” Caia said to Christina. “I told you this was gonna happen. You’re too good for him, girl!”
“I just…” Christina cried. “I thought I could change him!”
“No way, honey. Once a snitch, always a snitch. Here, come on. Let’s do plan B, just like we said.”
What is going on? In all the history of The Disciple, we’ve never seen an ending quite like this! Is… Caia offering Christina the final rose?! And Christina… is accepting it!
“Come on, girl,” Caia said. “I said I don’t like to be chained down, but for you… mmm, I might make an exception. Let’s go shopping for wedding bands and croc crocs. Your feet will thank you.”
Holy moly, ladies and gentlemen. Would you look at that? Caia and Christina, twerking their way out of The Disciple living room, furnished by Home Depot.
Poor Judas, alone and betrayed, running after them, yelling and screaming. Hoo boy, not a good look, J-boy. Ah, and there’s security, dragging him back inside.
How the mighty have fallen, folks. Let’s go down to Juas to hear how it feels to get a taste of his own medicine!
“I have sinned,” he said, “for I have betrayed innocent blood.”
Illustration by cozyrogers
The second historical character: Machiavelli
The second modern situation: Uses Twitter
Here’s what we wrote:
Machiavelli sat in front of the computer on his first day as Amazon’s Twitter manager, ready to show the world what the company was made of.
They’d hired him, after all, so they were clearly brilliant merchants.
“So you want me to do this… twittering,” he said to the Amazon manager standing beside him. “Where I tell the bird what to say and all the world can hear me?”
“Well, kind of,” the manager said, waving his coffee mug back and forth. “We want to address the concerns of gross misconduct in our warehouse management, and we hired you because you’re an expert in political maneuvers and social manipulation. So maybe if you could lean into that a bit with some tweets, I think that’d be a good place to start.”
“Excellent,” Machiavelli said. “Bring me a bird!”
After a few minutes of explaining how to use a keyboard and mouse, Machiavelli went to work crafting prime tweets for Amazon… no! For the world.
Never was anything great achieved without danger. African diamonds were delivered to Europe with blood staining their surfaces. As such, the Xboxes are delivered to little Timmy with the stains of missed bathroom breaks.
Send. Tweet. The replies were quick and ill-informed:
- Um, who is in charge of the Amazon Twitter? An ogre?
- What are you saying? African diamonds??? WTF
- Yeah, that ain’t it chief
- Pretty sure I’d be willing to have my Xbox arrive a day later if it didn’t have to reek of piss.
- So you’re telling me buying from Amazon is like buying a blood diamond? Based tbh
The concerns of the masses ought not be mistaken for the concerns of the intelligent. Machiavelli wound up another bird.
Hatred is gained as much by good works as by evil. There is only commerce — those who choose to command it, and those who choose to toil within it. Politics have no relation to morals.
Send. Tweet. The little bird flew, and came back with writhing worms in its beak:
- Holy crap, what kind of weird space-disease did Jeff Bezos bring back to Earth with him???
- Who forgot to flip the switch from “good” to “evil” on Amazon’s robots this morning?
- I always knew Amazon was evil, but I thought they’d at least *pretend* to care.
- Is this going to make my stock portfolio go down?
- Sounds like the start to a bad story I’d read on Kindle Unlimited.
- Is this Amazon’s official stance on pending anti-trust litigation? Find out in my latest article for Patreon subscribers only!
Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel. Everyone sees what you appear to be, few really know what you are.
Machiavelli’s fingertips danced on the board of keys, showing these underclass the Amazon’s true self.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both. Love our recommendations, fear our tracking analytics. Love our one-click order convenience, fear your ever growing dependence. Love your Alexa assistant, fear her power to summon drones to your exact position.
Send. Tweet. This little bird brought back snakes slithering up the tree, eager to devour her.
- Who knew that getting recommendations for Father’s Day gifts was going to cause the end of the world?
- Amazon, you’re drunk on power, go home.
- Sir, this is a Wendy’s.
- Actually, this honesty is kind of refreshing.
- Dayum, is Amazon the only honest megacorp in America? Almost makes me want to work there.
- Me: Mom, can we have a PR guy?
Mom: We have PR guy at home
*PR Guy at home*
- Machiavelli, can you come into my office?
Machiavelli didn’t expect to get a reply from the manager. Upset at losing his rhythm, he stood up from his half-finished messenger pigeon and headed to the manager’s office.
“You summoned me via bird?” he said, impatiently.
“Yeah, about that,” the manager said, swishing his coffee around. “Your tweets have been, well, putting it mildly…”
“Yes, out with it already! There is no avoiding war; it can only be postponed to the advantage of others.”
“Right. Um, so your tweets… they’ve gotten us more engagement than anything else we’ve ever tried before. Every tweet you send results in a big bump of sales. We’re going to be promoting you to head social media manager, where you can train others to craft messages that are just as effective and on-brand as what you’ve been doing.”
“Apprentices? To mold into my image?” Machiavelli said. “Excellent. I accept. However, keep in mind that if one is to cooperate, one should demand excessive compensation in order to command a favorable price.”
“Uh, sure. I’m guessing that means you want a raise?”
“Yes! And one of those things I’ve heard of. The… intelligent communication device that the glowing box people poke and prod at all minutes of the day.”
“You mean a smartphone?”
“Yes! I must be able to send my birds when inspiration strikes. After all, he who wishes to be obeyed must know how to command.”
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Hope to see you next time, friend!
Top images: cozyrogers