There tends to be a lot of “sighs, shrugs, and smiles” in 1st drafts.
How do you spice them up while editing?
Let’s discuss and then write our own story together!
During the last stream, a subscriber requested that we go over how to spice up “sighs/smiles/shrugs” in your writing
You can watch the full video here to or scroll down for notes/highlights.
How to Spice up “Sighs/Smiles/Shrugs” in Your Writing
- Quite often when you’re writing a first draft, you’ll put in a lot of “sighs, smiles, or shrugs” (or other similar words) around your dialogue to show how characters are speaking
- This is fine in the first draft, since the goal is just to get the scenes from your head onto the page, but when you go back to edit, it’s important to change them up
- The reason is because not only is it repetitive and boring, but it’s also completely flavorless. Now that you know your characters, give them some actions that fit them more uniquely
- Let’s take a look at 3 ways to change them:
#1. Cut them
(Original version)
Tom sighed. “Anna, there’s something we need to talk about.”
“What is it?” she asked with a smile. “Is something wrong?”
Tom shrugged. “I just… I think we should see other people.”(Cut version)
“Anna,” Tom said. “There’s something we need to talk about.”
“What is it?” she asked. “Is something wrong?”
“I just… I think we should see other people.”
- The easiest fix, since most “sighs/smiles/shrugs” are not necessary in the first place.
- You can convey many emotions through dialogue alone: putting “Tom said” after the first word indicates a pause, and the ellipses in the last sentence indicates difficulty in speaking
- Cutting them here allows you to potentially use them elsewhere, where they’re absolutely needed
- Just be careful since cutting words speeds up the dialogue, and you don’t want it to go faster that the scene requires
#2. Make the descriptions more unique
(Unique description version)
“Anna.” Tom didn’t look at her as he mumbled. He sat hunched in the chair across from her, fingers fidgeting like anxious worms. “There’s something we need to talk about.”
Anna looked up from her phone. “What is it? Is something wrong?”
“I just….” The worms stopped wriggling. He looked straight at her, now a bird of prey. “I think we should see other people.”
- A juicier fix that allows for more interesting language and unique reactions
- Conveying body language in a fun way that you’ve never seen before is one of the pleasures of writing/reading, and a good way to convey voice/tone
- Here, “wriggling worms” and “bird of prey” go a long way to showing exactly how the characters feel/look
- Just be careful not to go overboard with similes/metaphors, since they can get old fast
#3. Replace with introspection
“Anna, there’s something we need to talk about.”
She’d been so engrossed in her phone she’d barely heard him. Looking up at him sitting across from her, she had to blink to refocus her eyes, as if he’d switched on a bright light in a dark room.
“What is it?” she asked. “Is something wrong?”
Anna had only ever seen Tom cry once before, when they’d moved across the country five years ago together and had to give up their yellow tabby Cornflakes to the local shelter. He’d tried to hide it from her, wiping his eyes quickly and not looking at her until they were ten miles down the highway; she never understood why. She wouldn’t have laughed at him, she would’ve hugged him and cried about Cornflakes together. Instead they drove in silence. It was only now, thinking about it, that Anna thought perhaps she should’ve made the first move and told him it was okay.
But now Tom had the same look on his face. Hazy eyes and avoiding her stare. It was like they were back at the shelter, and she felt a tug in her chest, though she didn’t know why. Until Tom spoke.
“I just… I think we should see other people.”
- The hardest option, requires intimate knowledge of characters, which is why you shouldn’t worry too much about editing until you’ve finished the 1st draft (and know the characters well)
- Allows us to connect with the scene, feel like we’ve known these characters all of our lives, discover more about them
- Just be careful not to break up the dialogue too much or else we’ll forget what they’re talking about, always keep the introspection relevant to what’s immediately happening
In Summary!
- Whichever option is best is up to you and your story needs! Quite often you’re going to use a combination as well.
- Cut: Good for faster-paced dialogue where the characters have already been thoroughly established
- Unique: Good for medium-paced dialogue where you want to paint a specific picture for the reader
- Introspection: Good for slow-paced dialogue where you want to show who the characters are
- You might be saying to yourself: “That’s a lot of work.” And yes, it is. Writing well is hard. The editing process can take forever, and this is a small part of it.
- You can get away with a few “sighs/smiles/shrugs” in your story, but at the very least limit yourself to one per chapter.
- If you do that, your characters will be much more expressive and your story will be much more engaging
After that, chat voted that we write a story using what we learned by combining inspiration from these three YouTube videos:
Here’s the story we wrote, with the original boring body language struck out, and the edited interesting stuff in bold:
Twelve-year-old Bobby was being forced by his parents to spent his Saturday morning painting their bedroom, rather than going over to Ronald’s house and playing Smash.
All he could think about as the acrylic fumes of the open paint cans wafted into his brain was that he should be smashing Ronald’s Yoshi halfway across Brinstar right now with his Ganon, not flopping around in a stained smock with his mom and dad.
Bobby’s mom smiled at him.Bobby’s mom, a plump woman with cheeks redder and rounder than apples, looked at him with bright eyes as if they were getting ready to do church arts and crafts together.“Are you ready to help the room put its coat on, Bobby?” she asked, using her highest Sunday School teacher voice. Hearing it made Bobby feel like he was being choked by a tie from his Sunday suit, and tired from being up way too early.
His dad chuckled.Bobby’s dad chuckled at his wife’s pre-school joke. His head was the shape and color of a jar of mayonnaise, only somehow even whiter, with a gross hairy mess growing off the lid.“Hopefully the coat will help the room stay warm when winter comes!” Dad said, as Mom puffed out jolly laughs of agreement.
Bobby could only sigh.Inside Bobby’s mind, ideas of how today could still work out were running around like one of those crazy Japanese obstacle course TV shows. Maybe if they got this over with quickly, then he could still head over to Ronald’s later. Maybe James wouldn’t show up until the afternoon. Then Bobby could get some practice and have a chance of taking down his Marth.“Hey,” Bobby asked as innocently as he could,
with a fake grin plastered across his face.“How long do you think this is going to take anyway?”“Well,” Dad said,
exchanging looks with his mom, “I’d say about an hour or two probably.”
Bobby’s heart swelled.Only an hour or two? That wasn’t so bad! He’d still have plenty of time to shower, change, and get to Ronald’s. Maybe he’d even make it in time for his mom’s classic Saturday hot dog lunch. She let them put crunched-up Doritos on the buns.“For the first coat, I mean,” Dad said
with a wink. “Then we’ll have to wait for it to dry, then another coat after that. Then of course there’s the finish, and the cleanup afterward. All in all, I’d say we’ll be lucky if we finish before early sermon tomorrow!”Mom and Dad
laughed togetherrang out laughs like church bells, but Bobby’s body went cold. A whole Saturday, wasted. Just because they were too cheap to hire a painter, and too lazy to do it themselves.“Hey!” Mom said,
smiling. “I know what we should do to pass the time more quickly. We can sing while we paint!”
Dad grinned.“Ooh, great idea,” Dad said. “How about I start pouring the paint into trays, and you start us up with a few notes?”Watching his father dump the white paint while his mother warmed up her vocals, Bobby felt like the Rapture was upon him. He wasn’t going to be taken away by the four horsemen in the sky, he was going to drown in white paint as his ears bled from choir music.
“Jesus loves me, yes I know!” Mom sang,
smilingand closing her eyes. “For the Bible tells me so!”“Little ones to him belong!” Dad picked up,
beamingas he soaked the roller in the paint tray. “They are weak but he is strong!”Bobby couldn’t take it. The lyrics were like lightning cracking through him. It was bad enough sitting through that once a week. The only way he’d been able to get through it up to now was by recharging by smashing his friends the day before. And now, that had been stolen from him.
He didn’t know if it was the Holy Spirit or Holy Smash or just plain old anger running through him, but Bobby let out a primal roar and ran toward the wall, banging into it with his clenched, sweaty fist.
His fingers dug deep into the wall, blasting a hole the size of his head right through it. Even he was shocked at how easy it had been to crash through, as he pulled his hand back and stared at the hole in awe and dread.
“Robert Henry!” Mom yelled, calling Bobby by his full name. “What on God’s green Earth have you done?”
“Got to your room, young man!” Dad said
with a frown of disapproval, pointing at the door. “And don’t you dare come out until you’re ready to apologize.”Bobby ran out of his parents’ room, down the hall to his own, where he slammed the door behind him, glad his parents couldn’t see his face.
Because he was smiling.
A huge relief off his shoulders, Bobby sat down on the carpet, turned on his TV, muted it, then fired up his own copy of Smash. If Ronald was playing now, then he’d see him online, and they could play together, just the same as if they were both at his house.
Sometimes you just gotta smash your way out of problems.
Be sure to check out the video to for a dramatic reading and more!
If you want to join us and help write a story by trolling in chat, or share your own writing for feedback, then we’d love to have you join us on Twitch.
And you missed the stream, you can still watch them on the YouTube channel or watch the full stream reruns.
Hope to see you next time, friend!
Featured image: Pakutaso (1, 2, 3)