Describing Things TERRIBLY

Describing things well is hard.

But what’s even more difficult is describing things terribly!

During the last stream, a subscriber requested that we describe things as terribly/in lame ways as we can.

Basically, we were writing about things from the point of view of someone who hates something. For example:

• Basketball: Bouncing a ball from one side of the room to the other while trying to throw it into a propped-up fishing net.
• Video games: Staring at the same small screen for hours on end, living out your fantasy of being a vaguely-female pixel blob violently killing a bunch of vaguely-male pixel blobs.
• Tissues: Cutting down an entire tree just to brutalize it into a thin piece of perfumed paper, so you can sneeze a cracked-egg’s worth of snot-yolk into it and then drop it into the trash.
• Writing: The process of killing yourself over whether or not to add or remove a few symbols on a page, which will at best result in being chewed up and vomited into a publisher’s reject compost heap, or at worst torn apart by an angry group of sexually frustrated thirteen year olds on Twitter.

You can watch the full video here to or scroll down for some highlights.

Chat voted on five topics for us to describe terribly together. Here’s just a sampling of what we came up with:

#1. Getting Married

What people do when they finally get thrown off their parents’ health insurance and need to start suckling away at someone new, or when they just want a free, easy vacation visa to live in a slightly-less-of-a-craphole country than their own.
-Me

A permanent decision to the temporary problem of being alone. Agreeing to sign away half of your possessions for a guaranteed intercourse partner. A tax deduction. Mutual agreement to slowly start hating the person you will live with.
-SIXSIXseve_n

The fence that separates the dead grass from the dead grass
-cozyrogers

#2. Twitch

A place where, if you give up your privacy, free time, sense of shame, and any ounce of joy that has ever coursed through your body, you might have a chance of making far, far less than minimum wage!
-Me

Twitch: an action done by dead rats and streamers alike
-yosh1tailz

A popularity contests for introverts.
-foxwriter

Twitch is where you go when nobody else needs you
-cozyrogers

#3. Fanfiction

Uncreative people pretend to be creative. The last desperate cry for help before shooting up a school.
-SIXSIXseve_n

A way to live out your basest writer fantasies because you don’t have the imagination to make up your own characters and worlds.
-EricaDeel

The digested food going through a human-centipede.
-Joe_g89

#4. Giving birth

Gambling on the small possibility that your child will be less useless than you are.
-cozyrogers

A lady gets really fat for 9 months thanks to some dude and has to visit the ER where she has to go through the most painful experience of her life in order to poop out a 6 pound crying mutant from a 2 inch hole.
-Joe_g89

Giving birth, the one way to have death and life in the same room.
-JediMaster

World’s worst cardio.
-foxwriter

God pushing puss out of his winking eye.
-defminerva

#5. The human body

Stardust that commonly farts and picks its nose.
-Justintoonz

The result of the Higher Power playing the Sims.
-Dragonflyghter

If this is the top of the food chain, I don’t want to see the bottom.
-LilacSkies

A microwaved lasagna on the brink of explosion.
-Joe_g89

The human body: the whale blubber held together by Jolt Cola, cigarettes and antidepressants
-defminerva

A series of levers and pullies, driven by electric current from a feedback system responding to stimuli, that has been tricked into thinking it has the ability to make choices for itself.
-SIXSIXseve_n

Be sure to check out the video for plenty more amazingly terrible descriptions!

If you want to join us and help write a story by trolling in chat, or share your own writing for feedback, then we’d love to have you join us on Twitch.

And you missed the stream, you can still watch them on the YouTube channel or watch the full stream reruns.

Hope to see you next time, friend!

Featured image: Pakutaso