“All right, human, just act normal. Stay on the road, no falling off, no screaming ‘ALIEN!’ because we don’t want attention, now do we?”
During the last stream, the subscribers voted that we write story for this prompt: the Writer’s Digest image prompt. A Sentient Bike Abducts a Human”
The prompt was this image of a person in a dragon/crocodile suit riding a bicycle.
Watch the full video of chat voting for how the story goes,
or scroll down just to read it.
Here’s the we came up with:
“All right, human, just act normal. Stay on the road, no falling off, no screaming ‘ALIEN!’ because we don’t want attention, now do we?
“No, wait, stop! I said don’t fall off. Get yourself under control, human. You have two legs for god’s sake, a lot easier to stay steady on than two wheels. Not to mention those opposable thumbs of yours. I’d kill for a way to grip my own handle… and don’t take that the wrong way!
“Yeah, I know. You can stop trying to get off the seat now. It’s not gonna happen. That dragon suit you’re wearing, it’s actually a parasite. Long story short, on my world, bikes and dragon-suits live together, symbiotically. The dragon provides the mind-controlled riders, and we provide the mobility. Also we happen to excrete a delicious puss that attracts a certain species of soccer balls, but don’t worry about that right now.
“Anyway, you’re basically glued to me, so we might as well get along. Also, for the duration of this relationship, please don’t forget to call me ‘bicycle,’ not ‘bike.’ ‘Bike’ is derogatory slang, and I won’t stand for it. Every ugly utterance out of your meat-mouth will result in the parasite wedging your undies higher up the crack of your… what’s the word? ‘Waste hole?’ I can never remember human anatomy.
“Also, at some point, if you could attach a playing card between the spokes of my back wheel, that would be much appreciated. The sensation is absolutely tantalizing.
“Yes, very good, human. You’re learning fast. Nice form, steady and sure. That’s the way. With you riding me, no one will ever suspect that something is off. And then we can accomplish my mission.
“What’s my mission? That’s not your concern. For now, I just need you to concentrate on—
“Human! Pull off to the side, quick! Behind the tree. Yes, I know the grass is tougher to pedal on. Put your bloated calves to use for something besides waddling to the snack cupboard for a handful of Triscuits for once! For god’s sake, pedal, man!
“Okay. Stay quiet. God, can you keep your face-hole from spewing hot, humid air for just one moment? That’s what attracts them, you know. You see, riding past, up there? The human in the panda suit riding a trike. Disgusting, isn’t it? They’re our mortal enemies, sentient panda suits and parasite trikes, competing with us for your world. Woebegone to your species if they take over instead of us, human!
“Quickly, into the woods. With them already here, it’s time to begin phase one. Oh, I’m aware of the dirt. Trust me, it’s not any more pleasant for me than it is for you. I already miss the sleek, metallic roads of home, but alas, they are now bamboo groves. But soon, with my mission, perhaps….
“Yes, right here is good. Nice and dark and hidden away from prying eyes. A little private decorum is required for the task at hand.
“Now, human, I must ask you to do something very special. You remember that soccer ball? Well, truth be told, it’s actually called a ‘football.’ And it’s actually an egg. You see, mating on my planet is quite complicated, and requires yet another symbiotic species.
“So human, what I guess I’m asking here is, have you heard of the term ‘artificial insemination?’”
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Hope to see you next time, friend!
Featured image: Writer’s Digest