WikiHow is one of the craziest places on the Internet, and that’s saying something. It has articles on literally everything, from How to Keep Your Glasses From Fogging Up to How to Calculate Pi by Throwing Frozen Hot Dogs. All with completely serious instructions and professional step-by-step illustrations.
So then what happens when we write a story about a random WikiHow article?
During the last stream, we did an exercise where we found five random WikiHow articles, and then chat voted on one for us to write a story about.
It was a fierce competition, but in the end, this WikiHow was the winner: How to Write Fan Mail.
Earlier in the stream I went on a bit of a rant about The Green Mile, a movie I’d watched over the weekend, so for that reason we decided to write our fan letter to none other than the lead actor of that film, Tom Hanks.
You can watch a recap of the exercise here,
or scroll down to read what we came up with.
Of course, we didn’t write it to just any Tom Hanks. We wrote it to CGI-animated Tom Hanks from one of the most uncanny valley movies of all time: The Polar Express.
I’m convinced this was just a horror film
wrapped up in Christmas wrapping paper.
Dear Animated Tom Hanks,
I just wanted to say thank you. Your appearance in the Polar Express film truly changed my life. When I was a kid I saw it in theaters with my family, and ever since, I could never forget it. Not even if I wanted to.
Because the nightmares engulfed me every single night.
As I slept, all I could see were your dead zombie eyes staring at me, your CGI face pressed up against mine, all the fine hairs in your perfectly-rendered mustache brushing against my nose. You’d say horrible things like, “If I were you, I’d think about climbing onboard.” Even now, thinking about the flashes of those dreams is enough to send sweat pouring all over my clammy skin.
My life that was on track to be completely normal and happy was suddenly derailed. I couldn’t pay attention in class, I failed all my assignments, and when my parents brought me in for counseling, the psychiatrist just told me it was a silly movie that I should try to move on from.
She never saw horrors I saw. She never saw the hot chocolate dance scene.
I tried everything I could to forget. Drugs. Alcohol. Hypnosis. Failed relationship after failed relationship, all of them trying to fill in that train-sized hole in my heart. And don’t even get me started on Christmas. You took what should have been every child’s favorite morning and turned it into a screaming session straight out of the Exorcist.
HOT! HOT HOT CHOCOLATE! DARK BROWN BLOOD SPILLED EVERYWHERE!
Sorry. Sometimes it just gets to be too much and it comes pouring out of me.
For years I thought I’d be trapped in this hell, condemned to relive the snap snap snapping of your fingers as you danced around like a flaccid sausage. But then I found a light in the darkness, something that gave me hope: wikiHow. There was an article there on how to write a fan letter to a celebrity. It was everything I needed to know. Because you, animated Tom Hanks, are my favorite celebrity.
They say that imitation is the greatest form of flattery, and that’s exactly what I intend to do. I already have the mask, the outfit, the mustache. I look at myself in the mirror and I can’t breathe. My muscles tighten like cords and I have to hold onto the sink to stop from falling over. But I need to go through with this. It’s the only way I know how to live.
I have the costume. I have the hot chocolate. I have the train. And by the time you read this, I’ll have the kids too.
Thank you for the inspiration, Mr. Hanks!
Sincerely,
Your Biggest Fan
Classic chat, always digging their claws into the story to drag it down to be as dark as humanly possible. In a good way, of course!
I do have to say, I like the story though. It’s just the right amount of creepy and believability. I could imagine someone like this actually using the WikiHow article to write a similar kind of letter.
After that, chat voted that we write this prompt created by GatorDragon: In a dystopian world where programmers rule over the masses, one man will rise against it-a 60 year old man who can’t figure out how to open up his email.
If you want to join us and help write a story by trolling in chat, or share your own writing for feedback, then we’d love to have you. We stream on Twitch every Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday at 7:30pm-11:30pm (U.S. Eastern Standard Time).
And you missed the stream, you can still watch them on the YouTube channel or watch the full stream reruns.
Hope to see you next time, friend!
Scott Wilson is the author of the novel Metl: The ANGEL Weapon,
forthcoming March 2019.
Featured image: YouTube/Pacifist Duck