“The Hidden Poetry Of Toaster Surgery,” or “Harnessing The Power To Fail To Understand.”
These are deep ideas that require exploration, so let’s write TED talks for whatever topics YOU suggest!
During the last stream, the subscribers voted that we write some TED talks.
Chat came up with a bunch of topics, then voted on their favorites.
The first one they voted on was: Creativity, imagination and how you don’t have it.
Here’s what we wrote:
My name is Sophia Savant and I’ve worked as a brain surgeon for over twenty years. I’ve lifted up the proverbial rug on human intelligence, creativity, and imagination, peered inside, and let me tell you what, you don’t have any of it.
And by you I mean all the adults in the audience. You see, babies are born with what we doctors call the “typhoflovulic endocrine deculal,” the TED organ for short, what we used to think was a vestigial organ since it disappears with age. However, thanks to cutting edge research, we’ve discovered that the TED organ is actually what contains all human creativity and imagination.
Losing the TED organ has been correlated with a strong desire to move to middle management, an inability to complete NaNoWriMo, and also in extreme cases, create unnecessary CGI remakes of classic movies.
In order to harness this creativity that we have lost, we must physically extract it from babies by hooking them up to machines that suck it out of their malleable bodies. Just one ounce of liquid from this veritable Walt Disney of an organ is said to….
Why are you all writing this down? Stop it. Now. Every word I’ve just told you was a lie, except for one: how creatively and imaginatively bankrupt you all are.
You’re all out there, smiling and nodding, taking in this information as notes on your iPad Pros and Surface Books. Can’t wait to get back home and start hooking up your own little Annie or Adam to whatever messed up contraptions I salivate to you about.
You being here, having spent five-digits of dollars just in the vague hope of filling the creative void inside of you by stuffing it with money and platitudes, is proof you’d all stuff inside of you whatever I happened to hawk up here as a TED organ!
Anyway. Back to extracting creativity from children. After the “milking process,” the jelly-like TED organ distillate is then fed through a proprietary refinement process to be redistributed to adults as pills, so that our collective creative resources can be used to benefit society. Which is excellent seeing as how any and all adult creativity always comes from drugs.
In order to be creative, we must all become raging drug addicts. Drugs made from newborns sucked dry, turned to shriveled turnips that will fertilize the fields of corn to feed future livestock — a.k.a. you all. You will be as creator.
Look to your left. Look to your right. Both of those people will never be creative. Both of them will be your neighbors in the Imagination Stables. All hail your creative creator!
Look at you all. Smiling and taking your notes. Excited to go home and unironically watch Space Jam 2. You disgust me and you will never achieve anything worthwhile besides making your bosses slightly richer before you die and nobody remembers your name.
And don’t forget to buy your TED pills on your way out in the lobby!
Next was this one: What does your hentai collection say about you?
My name is Joji Hiro and I’ve worked for over fifteen years as an anime scientist. I’m here to tell you all today something that may surprise you. Something about all those nasty little jpegs that you have saved on your computer, yes, I’m talking about your collection that’s “secretly” hidden inside of the folder called “Job Applications.” Looks like you’re applying for some strange positions.
Anyway, turns out that your hentai collection says a lot more about you than we ever thought possible.
For example, did you know that the average number of slimy tentacles among all your pics is directly correlated to the number of car accidents that you will have during your lifetime? Not only that, but the girth of the squidgy appendages determines the fatality rate as well. What is the exact ratio? Well, let’s just say those of you in the audience who prefer thicc bois better properly use your turn signals.
And that’s just scratching the surface. According to cutting edge anime research, if you have robot and/or mecha hentai in your “art collection,” then you likely drink the pickle brine straight from the jar. As far as we’ve determined, this is brought about by a desire to taste the gritty oil of your metallic sweethearts. Be sure to take your car to Jiffy Lube for oil changes, attempting them on your own may result in being sent to the hospital for a stomach pump.
Here’s one that may surprise you. Does anyone in the audience have hentai of inanimate objects, or random objects that have been turned into cute animal girls or hot anime dudes? Uh huh, that’s what I thought. I’m seeing a lot of hands out there.
Let me guess, was your first love interest a cereal box mascot? Tony the Tiger? Toucan Sam? Genderbent Count Chocula? Oh look at all the nods.
Well at least now you know why mom hid those boxes on the top shelf of the cupboard. I can guarantee that sitting at the breakfast table with you was a lot more awkward than you remember.
How about some good news though? For those of you whose hentai collection is mostly made up of lewding non-hentai characters, that’s a sign that you’re searching for a real relationship. That you’re looking for more in a person than merely exaggerated well-endowment, or the ability to be inflated like a balloon. Get out there, join some hentai forums, and meet some people!
In the end though, what our research has most thoroughly concluded is that many people choose waifus/husbandos primarily because the character’s personality is similar to their own. Although they may find their waifu physically attractive, the main source of emotional satisfaction is the ability to see someone that the otaku can project themself onto, making progress in life and forming relationships when the otaku themself is unable to due to anxiety and/or circumstance. The waifu is a way to explore relationships and different life scenarios without personal risks.
Oh, and one final tally. Anyone out there a fan of the ahegao face, you know, mouth open and eyes rolling?
Ah ha, I see some hands. Keep them up please, you’re all correlated to become serial killers and you’re under arrest. Police will escort you away shortly. Thank you.
If you want to join us and help write a story by trolling in chat, or share your own writing for feedback, then we’d love to have you join us on Twitch.
And you missed the stream, you can still watch them on the YouTube channel or watch the full stream reruns.
Hope to see you next time, friend!
Featured image: Unsplash