Let’s pair up some Cards Against Humanity and write a bunch of super-short-sized stories based on whatever terrible things they say!
During the last stream, a subscriber requested that we write Cards Against Humanity Prompts.
We paired up some cards, and then chat voted on the ones they liked best for us to write super-short stories for (less than 250 words).
The first one we did was this:
Oh, no thank you, Mrs. Lee. I’ve had plenty of [rubbing lotion on a hairless cat] for now.
Here’s what we wrote:
After I finished mowing Mrs. Lee’s yard, I knocked on her door to get my thirty bucks, prepared to spend five or so minutes chatting with the lonely old woman before she’d hand over the cash.
What I was not prepared for was the horrid pink-colored creature that she was cradling in her bent, arthritic hands.
“Poor wittle Slinky,” she cooed, bobbing the hairless feline. “His skin’s all dry and my hands can’t grease him like they used to. Do you mind lotioning Slinky, just a bit for me, young man?”
“Oh, no thank you, Mrs. Lee,” I said, my brain short-circuiting. “I’ve had plenty of, uh, rubbing lotion on a hairless cat for now.”
“I’ll add in another twenty dollars.”
Sold. I took the cat, like a lump of thin skin and bones in my arms, lathered my hands in Mrs. Lee’s bottle of Suave Aloe Body Lotion, and went to work on that kitty.
I gotta say, the first few rubs felt a little strange, like massaging a garbage bag full of scrap wood, but then a few strokes in, everything fell into place. My fingers flowed over the hairless cat’s skin. I was an explorer, sailing over the sea of feline flesh, discovering all things new and exciting!
At some point Mrs. Lee pulled Slinky away from me slowly, giving me a strange look with one cocked eye.
“Looks like you’ve had a lot of practice rubbing lotion on something else hairless and wrinkly, young man.”
Next up was this one:
I’m sorry, Jordan, but that’s not an acceptable Science Fair project. That’s just [a pregnant person].
Here’s what we wrote:
“I’m sorry, Jordan,” said Principal Michaels. “But that’s not an acceptable Science Fair project. That’s just a pregnant person.”
“Not just any pregnant person,” Jordan said, her eyes twinkling. “It’s my mom!”
Gasps came from all around the Sunnyhill Middle School cafeteria. All the other kids standing with their projects went silent as they stared at smiling Jordan and her mom with a bowling ball for a belly.
“I used science to figure out who got her pregnant,” Jordan said, pointing to her poster. “First I started with a hypothesis: a man did it.”
“Then I moved onto step two: experiment! I stayed up past my bedtime every night recording my mom’s condition after she came home. My observations were thus: she smelled like Axe body spray, had trace hairs clinging to her clothes, and thanks to a blacklight that I used when she was passed out, I found protein stains on her—”
“Jordan!” Principal Michaels shouted. “This is not an appropriate project at all. You’ve been a bad student recently. First it was the hamburger to the lunch lady’s eye last week, and now this. I’m going to have to write you up.”
Principal Michaels reached into his pocket, but pulled out nothing. He only looked very confused.
“Looking for this?” Jordan asked, waving his notepad. “I swiped it when I was in your office last week. I needed to test DNA, and this thing was covered in your sweat. Congratulations, Principal Michaels, you’re going to be a daddy!”
Next up was this prompt:
Moms love [boogers].
Here’s what we wrote:
Hey all you moms out there. We here at Snottingtons know you don’t have it easy. Working, cooking, cleaning, it’s tough being a modern mom!
That’s where we come in, thanks to our best-selling product just for moms: Booger Butter.
Are the kids playing too many video games and not doing their homework? A little dollop of Booger Butter will take care of that! Spread it across their favorite Xbox controllers and their fingers will never go near them again.
Are you packing on the mommy pounds? Well Booger Butter can help with that too! Just take all those thigh-thickening sweets, dip them in a jar of Booger Butter, and swallow them down. You’ll never so much look at a donut ever again!
Plus Booger Butter is naturally high in antioxidants and immuno enhancements. Your antibodies will thank you for the feast of bacteria that you give it. A great, natural alternative to vaccines!
And let’s not forget about another important mom duty: being intimate with your other half. Booger Butter can really lubricate a dried up relationship, in an organic, healthy way that no other scientific silicone made in a laboratory somewhere could ever hope to. Just a bit of booger butter for your bits!
Best of all, Booger Butter is 100% self-renewable. Just have the family sneeze into the jar, and you’ll always have a fresh scoop ready to go whenever you need it! Nothing brings the family closer together than a shared jar of Booger Butter.
And finally:
I have invented a new sport. I call it “[cocktail weenies] ball.”
Here’s what we wrote:
Catering was kind of a crappy job, but my coworkers made it worth it.
During the actual wedding or business function or whatever, we were all professional. But then once it was over, and our boss headed out to leave us to clean, that’s when Cocktail Weenies Ball started.
We played it by taking the leftover cocktail weenies, lukewarm and soaking in sauce, and plopping them between our legs, letting just a nub stick out as we held them there with our thighs.
Then we’d take whatever most closely resembled a ball — a head of lettuce or a tomato or whatever — toss it on the ground and smack our weenies against it, trying to knock it into whatever goal we could make up. A flower vase. A spilled drink cup. A chair that reeked of swamp ass.
Don’t you dare ask me how Cocktail Weenies Ball got started or why we did it. We just needed to unwind with something stupid, and it fit the bill.
Until our boss came back to check on us after leaving us to clean, walking right in the middle of our game.
I thought we’d be fired on the spot. But instead, he just grinned at us, ripped open his shirt to reveal his jungle chest, and his own natural cocktail weenie.
We all held our own weenies with both fear… and excitement. We knew we were going to have something else in our hands soon enough: an excellent sexual harassment settlement!
If you want to join us and help write a story by trolling in chat, or share your own writing for feedback, then we’d love to have you join us on Twitch.
And you missed the stream, you can still watch them on the YouTube channel or watch the full stream reruns.
Hope to see you next time, friend!
Featured image: Pakutaso