Sometimes the real story isn’t what you’re reading, it’s hidden between the lines.
Let’s write some stories via “implication” by crafting reviews for weird Amazon products!
During the last stream, a subscriber requested that we write stories via “implication” for weird Amazon products.
For example, here’s a review for a crab hat that is definitely hiding something:
Maybe this is okay to use at home, but I do not recommend it for long car trips. We brought it with us for our last family vacation to Disneyland, as our go-to bag in our van for the kids to use, and it did not hold up. Even after just three uses, it started stinking like sin. Definitely stick to resealable Ziplocs instead. Plus you can mark those with a Sharpie, write which kid used it, and stick them in the freezer to last as long as you need. This hat will not be getting our “business” again.
What was really going on with that hat? Well, let’s just leave it up to interpretation.
There are a lot of ways to write a story via implication, such as:
- Having the “real story” be between the lines
- Having an incredibly unreliable narrator
- Having a lot of questionable underlying assumptions
- Just having fun with it and see what you can create… just don’t tell the story directly!
Item #1: Wilton Edible Glitter
ME
Highly recommended for their bland taste. These things will soak up any liquid that you want to soak them in, and no one will ever be able to taste it. The kids’ll just scarf down their fifth grade birthday party cake like it’s a chocolate night sky with stars shining all over it, none the wiser. Not knowing that this is his punishment for that mediocre report card. These things don’t metabolize quickly though, so be ready for it to take up to an hour or two for the full effects. Might want to serve them toward the end of the party so all the kids can go home and you don’t have them all dropping in the same place at once. Five stars just for the plausible deniability!JOE_G89
We got these to add some zing to my 21st birthday. My girlfriend put the chocolate cake on the bed. It was a jiggly cake and she let me ice it myself. And I dumped the bottle of edible glitter on the chocolate cake and my girlfriend smiled because she was into it. I was so excited, I stuffed my face right into my girlfriend’s jiggly chocolate cake. My tongue licked off all the stars.
Item #2: Finger Covers for Cheesy Food
ME
Two out of five stars. They fit on your fingers all right, but that’s about it. I’ve tried these things in a bunch of different dips — french onion, nacho cheese, salsa, lowfat ranch — you name it and they didn’t really do much for me. Plus they’re pretty expensive as compared to just buying a bag of chips. Still, an interesting texture that I’ve never had before so I gotta at least give it props for that.ME
These finger covers saved my marriage. Cheesy, greasy, sticky, these things protect you from all that nasty stuff. I do recommend purchasing several orders, however, since if you’re dealing with extra thick layers of grime and ooze like I was, no amount of dishwashing will ever make them reusable again. If you’re feeling adventurous, you can also cut a few grooves into the tips for that little extra texture.JOE_G89
I didn’t want to touch his Cheeto anymore. It was dull and soggy like he left it in Captain Morgan’s spiced rum. But he kept asking me, begging me to touch it. So I bought these as a joke. Now I have protection when rubbing that small, stale, limp log of cheese dust.
Item #3: Karaoke Earphone
ME
I’ve tried everything before: towels, balled-up socks, duct tape. This product falls somewhere between a moist washcloth and a good old fashioned bandana. It definitely muffles the sounds you want to be muffled, but the securing device leaves much to be desired. The cord itself comes off pretty easily after tying it around the neck, so I recommend splurging on some zip ties or rope to help keep it stable. Hurts like a son of a gun when they try pecking at you like a damn bird with the cone on their face, but just pulling the cord a bit together should do the job. Four out of five stars.COZYROGERS
I’ve been waiting for this product my whole life. Finally, He can hear my voice. I can whip out this reverse-airhorn and bellow praise on His name at the top of my lungs in the middle of the office. My co-workers give me funny looks, but that’s fine. I can hear His voice in my ear.JOE_G89
We took this out while camping. We all used it, the boys and the girls. We sang almost everyday. And our smooth music would drip down in the funnel into a hole in mother nature. Some of us had husky, thick voices and they traveled down the tube much slower. Eventually, we were asked to leave. I guess some people just don’t like us leaving our music around the campgrounds.
Item #4: Mobile Phone Jail Cell
ME
5/5. That hamster had it coming.ME
Perfect for face-timing my boyfriend. Now he doesn’t have to feel like he’s the only one behind bars when we talk 🙂ALYXVIXEN
5/5. Didn’t use it for cellphones, but for my GI Joe figures. Makes a great shark cage.
Item #5: Meat Shredder Claws
ME
The perfect cosplay accessory for all you glittery kitties out there *~nya~*! You will totally be the talk of the con when you shred your lunch sushi just like a real Japanese magical catgirl *~nyaaaaa~* Those meanie security officers had to put a sprinkle dinkle on my sunshine parade when they locked me up in the cell phone cage with NO litterbox *~sad nyaaaaaa~* 2/5 stars at least I don’t have to worry about having kittens anymore!ALYXVIXEN
1/5. This product requires a safety warning, as it does not say to remove them when scratching your delicate bits. I required 64 stitches.
Item #6: Inflatable Sloth Float
ME
Pleasantly surprised by this one! We’ve tried a bunch of others before, those pool noodles and foam bars and whatnot, but this one was a real hit with the kids. Just threw it in the pool and let them have loose with it. Didn’t even absorb too much chlorine to give it that weird aftertaste my sons always complained about with the other things. If this float can satisfy a bunch of hungry teenage boys then I’m sure it’ll be perfect for your next summer poolside barbeque too!ALYXVIXEN
5/5 Great interrogation tool. Just inflate and leave in the interrogation cell, facing the prisoner. For hours. And hours. And hours. Those eyes. Staring into your soul. That smile. Judging you. YES!! I ADMIT IT!! I ate the last cookie!!COZYROGERS
0/10 it’s always hanging out alone in the pool with my wife, and i swear it’s staring at me, smiling
If you want to join us and help write a story by trolling in chat, or share your own writing for feedback, then we’d love to have you join us on Twitch.
And you missed the stream, you can still watch them on the YouTube channel or watch the full stream reruns.
Hope to see you next time, friend!
Top image: Pakutaso