Stealing rare Pokemon cards? Seagulls robbing a convenience store??
Who knows! Let’s write a heist.
During the last stream, a subscriber requested that we write a story about a heist.
Watch a short version of the stream here or scroll down for what we wrote.
Chat came up with a bunch of cool heist story ideas, but we went with this one:
Street cats and house cats in Tokyo collaborate to steal the 10 million yen tuna from the fish market.
Here’s what we wrote:
The Tokyo street cats and house cats came together in the one neutral territory in all of Minato Ward: grandma Sachiko’s backyard garden. There, among the okra, daikon, and fragrant shiso leaves, the kind old woman always left out some leftover tuna for any cats who wanted it, whether they had collars or not.
But today, and every day the past week, there had been no tuna. Only bowls of hard, dry tuna-flavored Cat Smack kibble. Masa, the leader of the street cats, cream-colored and fat, swiped the pellets with the strength of his tomcat paw.
“What is this crap?” he growled. “What does she take us for? Common dogs?”
The other street cats in the garden nodded in agreement. Maru the brown-and-white calico licked up the hardened morsels anyway, desperate for any food, while the house cats — Prince, the fluffy, blue-eyed ragdoll and Pearl the siamese — merely looked on in disinterest.
“It’s not that bad, actually,” Maru said, licking his lips.
“You’d eat anything,” Prince said haughtily. “Remember that one time you had the chunky milk out of the dumpster?”
“Hey! That was good. It was basically cheese.”
“Heh,” snickered Pearl. “Guess that makes you a rat, huh?”
“Friends!” Masa bellowed, bringing them all to attention. “We’ve long lived on the kindness of grandma Sachiko’s generous bounty. But if we want to enjoy real tuna again, we have to take matters into our own claws.”
Prince scoffed at him. “And what does a street cat know about tuna? The cans you’ve pilfered from FamilyMart?”
“I don’t know much more than you, if word from Pearl is correct,” Masa said. “It seems that even the housecat tuna supply has dried up too.”
Prince glared at Pearl, but she shrugged. “I’m a rescue, Prince. I figured it’s best to let them know. At the end of the day, we’re all in the same concrete litter box.”
Maru bounced up. “I know what we can do! I’m friends with the train station cat Tama. He owes me a couple favors. He can totally do us a solid and get us on a train south, out of Tokyo, where they’re practically swimming in fish!”
Masa chuckled. “I don’t think that’ll be necessary. Have you heard of Toyosu Fish Market?”
“Of course!” Prince yelled. “The sacred grounds. The tuna temple. What does a street cat know of such divine delicacy?”
Masa winked at the group. “This street cat knows how to steal a ten-million yen tuna from it.”
***
The street cats and house cats gathered at the rear entrance to Toyosu market, right in the middle of the day. Sun-hardened fishermen yelled prices as they dragged nets full of salmon, mackerel, crabs and more through the never-ending maze of a market. The heavenly scent of the ocean’s full bounty nearly entranced the four of them.
And the Shiba dog with them.
“What the?!” Prince growled, looking at the dog. “Who invited this idiot drooler?”
“Hi guys!” the Shiba said, panting with a happy smile at them. “Masa said I can play too!”
Masa nodded to the Shiba. “This is Pizza, P-chan for short. She’s part of our network. Along with Snoots the owl up there in the rafters. How ya doing up there, big guy?”
“Little tired, boss,” Snoots hooted down, barely audible over the hustle and bustle in the market. He was hidden in the shade of the market’s canopy except for his large all-seeing eyes. “Haven’t been awake during the day since my owlet days.”
Prince grumbled. “Yeah, why are we stealing a ten-million yen tuna during the daytime? Doesn’t make sense to me.”
“Exactly,” Pearl said. “This is when the humans would not be expecting us to come. We have enough anti-cat technology to deal with as it is.”
Maru’s whiskers stood on end. “Uh, anti-cat technology? Don’t like the sound of that.”
“Don’t worry,” Masa said. “It’s kitten’s play. Just stay with me, and we’ll be feasting on tuna before you know it. Let’s go.”
The four cats and one dog trotted tails-up underneath tables, weaving between crates and human legs. There were so many delicious distractions, puddles of fish juice to lap up, shimmering fish scales and flakes scattered like confetti, but they had to keep their eyes on the prize.
“That’s the one,” Masa said. “Western warehouse number three. Let’s go inside.”
The five animals dashed into the windowless warehouse, the lights dim except for one spotlight in the distance, shining on the most blessed thing they had ever seen.
The ten-million yen tuna, perched atop a pedestal of steaming dry ice, like snow atop Mt. Fuji in the distance. When the animals first saw it, they all stopped in their tracks.
“It’s beautiful,” Pearl said.
Masa nodded. “It’ll be even more beautiful when it’s in our mouths… oh no! Watch out!”
A single red beam shot out from one of the walls. Then another. Then another. The beams hit the animals, but had no visible effect. Aside from making their pupils dilate with excited hunter’s instincts.
“Don’t get distracted!” Masa said, shaking his head to stay steady. “Those lasers… they’re trying to shake us off their tail. Stay focused!”
The other cats blinked hard, trying to resist the temptation of the lasers. P-chan the Shiba just kind of looked at them all funny in confusion.
“I don’t get it,” she said. “It’s just a green light….”
“You don’t understand,” Pearl said, trying to look away, but she couldn’t. “It’s so… beautiful.”
“No, Pearl!” Prince cried out. “Stay with us!”
It was too late. As the other cats bounded forward, Pearl succumbed to the lasers. She chased them, clawed at them, trapped in their never-ending tease of being unable to be caught. For every dot she pounced upon, two more appeared like some terrible pox.
“Keep moving!” Masa said. “Or else you’ll just end up like her.”
Maru clenched his eyes shut and yelled behind him. “We’ll come back for you, Pearl!”
She disappeared behind them, nothing more than the haunting jangle of the bells on her collar. But then even that too was quieted as a chorus of squeaks came from all directions. The remaining animals skidded to a halt.
“Do you hear that?” Masa asked.
“I haven’t heard that sound in years,” Prince said. “Is that…?”
Mice. Hundreds of them, flowing from the walls and surrounding the cats and dog. P-chan barked at them, but it did nothing to slow down the swarm of tiny, furry bodies, taunting them.
“We’re way tastier than some tuna!”
“What’s the matter? Can’t handle a meal that runs?”
The cats were hypnotized by the wriggling mass of moving mice. Such a feast they could only hope for, such a haul their hunters’ hearts could not refuse! The flood of fur circled the cats, like a living whirlpool slowly closing in.
Snoots the owl swooped down from above, snatching a mouse in its talons and tossing it into its beak. It swerved back, squawking at the now receding sea of rodents.
“Whooo do you think you’re playing with here?” Snoots said. “Can’t handle a hunter that flies?”
The cats snapped back to their senses as Snoots dive-bombed the mice again, snatching two rats this time, one in each talon. The wiggling scaly gray tails scampered away into the walls from which they’d emerged.
“Thanks, Snoots,” Masa said. “Got carried away there for a moment. We’ll take it from here.”
“Goo-whooo-d to hear,” Snoot said, finishing his double meal and yawning. “I’m all tuckered out, boss. Save a fin for me for later, all right?”
“You got it,” Masa said, leading the pack deeper into the warehouse.
Until the most terrifying trap appeared before them. A horrible, green monster, its body long and slimy, covered in bumps like diseased pimples, lying fearfully still.
Maru cried out, his tail fluffing out to the size of a feather duster. “What is that?”
Prince choked on a hairball. “I’m gonna be sick.”
Masa growled in anger. “I’ve heard of these things. They’re called—”
“Cucumbers!” said P-chan, happily trotting up to the tasty vegetable on the floor. She bent down, chomped it between her teeth, and did a happy dance on her tappy toes.
The cats recoiled in disgust as P-chan went to town on the monstrosity, crunching away on its body, leaking fluids from its inside onto the floor. Once the bloody massacre was finished, P-chan licked her lips and bounded away, farting musically.
“Thanks for the snack!” she said. “Good luck with your fish thing or whatever, I’m going home now. Bye!”
It was down to the three cats. The ten-million yen tuna was right before their whiskers, shining like a bright fishy diamond up on its pedestal.
“We’re almost there!” said Prince. “There can’t be anything worse than that cucumber in our way. Let’s go!”
The cats dashed ahead, their paws clacking against the metal ground, until a strange crinkling sound came beneath them. Their pace slowed, something sticking to their paws.
“Oh hell no,” Maru said, fidgeting with his arms and legs. His appendages, along with Masa’s and Prince’s, were covered in the worst thing imaginable: layers of double-sided Scotch tape.
“Get it off me!” Prince cried, thrashing about.
“No, Prince!” Masa yelled. “Be careful or you’ll fall over!”
It was too late. Prince flopped to the ground, his elegant mane of fur mopping up all the Scotch tape that had been laid for them. Within seconds of tumbling, he was a tape mummy, meowing hopelessly from his sticky tomb.
“Halp… me…!” Prince whined, reaching a single paw out from his giant ball of tape.
“No, wait, Prince!” Masa said, struggling with the tape around his own tail. He turned to Maru. “Maru, listen to me. Prince and I, we’ll clear the way for you. You need to get to the top yourself.”
“No, boss!” Maru said. “You can’t.”
“I can,” Masa said. “Now lion up and follow behind us!”
Masa lay down on the tape next to Prince, and the two cats rolled together toward the pedestal, becoming one giant sticky, furry mess. Maru solemnly walked in their cleared wake, like feline Moses before the Scotch tape sea, nothing more than a single stand still caught on his leg.
By the time they reached the bottom of the pedestal, Maru didn’t know where Masa ended and Prince began. They were inseparable, a yowling yin-yang of tails and tape, twitching and grumbling in annoyance.
“Go, Maru,” Masa said. “Finish the fish.”
“May your appetite devour enough for all of us, Maru,” Prince said. “Keep going and don’t look baaaaack!”
Maru silent thanked them, and the others, and bounded up the steps toward the prize tuna.
He stood as though before god himself. The tuna, surrounded by clouds of dry ice, the size of a car, the aroma of the entire ocean, its eye focused on Maru as if it were watching him. As if it knew there was one last obstacle in his way.
How the heck was he supposed to get this thing out of here?
There was only one thing Maru could do. The thing that all cats do best. Swat at it.
With a single swipe, Maru sent the tuna tumbling down the other side of the pedestal. It rolled like a frozen log down the steps, then across the floor. Maru bounded after it, barely able to keep up with it, until it crashed into the exit door, busting outside into the noontime light.
And rolling right into the train about to leave the station.
The tuna smacked to a stop against the seats, and Maru followed it onboard. The train doors closed, and with a little chime, it pulled out of the station with some very confused fishermen outside staring at the moving train in disbelief.
“Oh!” came a familiar voice. Maru looked up. Sitting comfortably on one of the train’s seats was Tama the train station cat, wearing her conductor’s hat and nametag. “I cleared the car and held the train for you as long as I could, boss.”
“Thanks, kid,” Maru said. “You did well. I’ll give you your cut when we get this fish home.”
“And where exactly is that?” Tama asked.
“I know a place,” Maru said. “Minato Ward. We can ride this train straight there. Little old lady named Sachiko knows how to cut two things: tuna and snitches.”
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Hope to see you next time, friend!
Top images: Pakutaso