DATING Profiles for Miserable People Who Don’t Exist

Jim’s been divorced 7 and a half times. Bethany has two pet alligators. Kim has a whisk for a prosthetic hand.

Let’s generate some miserable people who don’t exist and write dating profiles for them!

During the last stream, a subscriber requested that we write dating profiles for people who don’t exist.

We’ve used the website This Person Does Not Exist before and it as a lot of fun, so trying a new spin on it seemed like a fun idea.

Here’s the faces we generated and wrote about together, along with some highlights:

#1. Greg

SCOTT&ABBEY
Hey girl, are you into white collar crime? Message me for a good time. Let’s rob a bank… the legal way. Interest rates so high it’s like we’re stealing. We can’t afford to not take out some loans at these depreciation levels. My heavy musk entices and arouses even the most obstinate of accountants, getting me that sweet, sweet unfixed rate 36 month payment plans. I got a five-point plan for you, girl, and I promise not to short you.

JEBUS
This isn’t my suit. I don’t wear glasses. I’ve been bald since my mid twenties. But you fell for the illusion, didn’t you? You see me and think: “Serious business.” “Stern but a good listener.” “Wealthy yet disciplined.” And of course: “Work hard, play hard.” These are all lies. First impressions are an illusion. Love is an illusion. Match me, meet the real me. But can you? Can I ever meet the REAL you? Let’s roll the dice in this fog of life.

JOE
Do you like a man dressed in a suit? My fashion says business savy and professional. But the truth is I haven’t had a job in years. I wear this blue suit to pretend I have my life in order. I even wear glasses so it looks like I’m intelligent. Who wouldn’t want to be seen walking arm-in-arm with the best dressed unemployed drop-out like me? I know you do. Because looks matter. Also, I don’t have a car anymore. Only respond if you have a car. Preferably a nice car like a Chrysler 300.

#2. Paula

SCOTT&ABBEY
2012. The year my life ended. There was a casting call for the Bachelor, all my gilrfirneds always told me I should try out. SO I did. I was everything they could want in one steamy little package. Like a chinese takeout duimpling and twice as juicy. They said no. The audacity to say no. TO me! A STAR how could they? So I made my own bachelor show. It’s on youtube.com/paulaschitzbachelor2 Daily uploads every day, to sate thirsty boys appetitives 

JOE
Excuse my profile pic. It was the best one I could take. And to be honest, I look like a hot mess. Let me explain though. I’m a elementary school teacher named Mrs Schitz. And I know. Ha ha very funny. Even the kids have their own jokes. Between you and me, I hate them. With a passion. Every night I have these nightmares. My body twitches me awake. I’m sweating and sobbing and wanna die. I’m on 9 different medications because of those satanic children. All of them swear like sailors.

JUSTINTOONZ
My name is Paula. I hate it. I hate my parents for giving me such a horrible name. All they do is smoke and argue with each other. Ever since I could speak, I’ve been telling people to call me Petal-Lynne instead. I love working in the garden and saving bugs. It gives me pleasure. I could bloom your flower! Swipe to join my journey out of the city. Let’s get a way on a romantic vacation, where we can appreciate the beauty of the world… and each other.

#3. Elaine

SCOTT&ABBEY
This smile cost me $46,000. I’m not kidding. All of my life I had what dentists call “chicken teeth.” I’ll spare you the details. Suffice it to say, eating was more tears and gurgling than chewing. Even my family was sickened by it. School was a joke. I choked my way through twelve long years, surviving on thermoses of pureed mashed potatoes and chicken soup. Chicken. It always comes back to chicken for me. But now I have real teeth. And I have years of oral pleasures to catch up on. 

LND_GRYPHON
Heyyyyy so im Elaine and like i know that you probably get this like so much but like i just feel like im the perfect woman the whole package here but like anyways you can catch me at starbiessss with my trenta fraps in hand if my girls dont like you it wont work and you must be at least 6 foot with at least a 75K job i know what im worth cashapp in bio

COZYROGERS
If you need me to repeat my name, you don’t deserve me, so just swipe away right now and save me the hassle. I’m a very busy woman who doesn’t have time for a man. You’ll basically never see me around the house… and in fact, I don’t ever want to see you there either; I need a “husband” for tax relief purposes only. I’m already married to my seven minimum wage jobs, so don’t expect any love or affection. PS: those interested, find more info on my LinkedIn.

#4. Dustyn

SCOTT&ABBEY
Just throwing my line out there to see what catches. Haven’t had much luck with the ladies, so any funny guys want to have a bro-date together? Haha. Kidding. My sister said I should try being bisexual because it would increase my chances, haha. She’s funny sometimes. Does have a point though lol. Although who pays on a date for two dudes? I guess I’ll never find out lol haha 🙂

LND_GRYPHON
Hi ladies I’m Dustyn and I’m just tired of girls friend-zoning me, just looking for something real now. I like World of Warcraft and if you can’t do raids with me then I don’t want it. You must be a Christian woman, cook, clean, and want a family. Also, I am really close to my mother so if my mother doesn’t approve it will not happen. I have a decent-paying job and am an active volunteer with my grandmother’s nursing home. Please love me.

JUSTINTOONZ
My name is Steve Williams. I work professionally as a braille-to-script translator. I read a lot of romance for the blind. I love to touch the naughty parts. First thing you’ll probably notice is my beaming smile and then my giant forehead. Said forehead often hurts after a long session of think through a plot hole. In my spare time I write novels and dream of getting published. Right now all that gets published is my article work for the blog NerdHerd.com

JOE
My name is Joe. Some say I’m the ultimate fixer-upper. Do you have the tools to fix all of this? Bob can’t even build this. I have a good sense of humor. I know how to laugh at the wrong moments. Don’t get mad I’m just nervous Joe. I’m somewhat intelligent but I often rely on my sense humor. I bring lots to the table. When I have money, I bring Burger King, Poopeyes, Wendys, anything you want. Let’s get fat together. I don’t care if you’re black, white, purple, or spaghetti. Hit me up.

If you want to join us and help write a story by trolling in chat, or share your own writing for feedback, then we’d love to have you join us on Twitch.

And you missed the stream, you can still watch them on the YouTube channel or watch the full stream reruns.

Hope to see you next time, friend!