LinkedIn is a business social network, with a special flavor of misery: narcissism.
So let’s practice getting inside the heads of psychopaths and writing some profiles for them together!
During the last stream, a subscriber requested that we write some LinkedIn profiles together.
Watch a short version of the stream here or scroll down for what we wrote.
Let’s Write Narcissistic LinkedIn Profiles
- LinkedIn is a “business” social network, where managers and employees can (supposedly) meet, chat, and share information
- In actuality, it’s basically a human garbage dump like every other social media platform, but with a special flavor all its own: narcissism that is incredible in how sad it is
One viewer describes LinkedIn profiles like this:
the pseudo-professional sheen on upselling their trite “insights” and questionable business judgement. a fourteen-year-old’s deepest revelations dressed up in a suit and tie and pretending to work at wall street.
they hype it up like they’ve got some game-changing secret, but, inevitably, once you taste their secret sauce all you feel is regret that you ignored the cockroaches on the restaurant floor and stuck around long enough for them to serve it to you
So let’s write our own LinkedIn profiles! It’s good exercise getting inside the head of a psychopath, practicing manipulation tactics, and of course having some fun
(All photos were automatically generated at This Person Does Not Exist.)
#1. “I’m the Center of the Universe” Profile
(Example 1, Example 2)
Penny, Brand Advisor Manager Executive
Maybe back in 1921, the rule was location, location, location.
But now, here in 2021, the rule is trademark, trademark, trademark!
Property ownership has been replaced with intellectual property ownership, the real capital of the information age. Trademark your slogans, early and often. I missed out on millions not registering my catch phrase of “I don’t have the bandwidth,” relating to non-computer usage.
I’d been using this phrase to describe my working capacity since I took a networking course in college, and when I found out that people at the likes of Google and Facebook were using the same phrasing, I knew I was onto something. Sadly, it was too late for me, but it wasn’t too late for me to pivot to studying law, and found my own Brand Management company to help you avoid my mistake.
I’ll be awaiting your check in the mail when you “don’t have the bandwidth” at your next family gathering!
#2. Confusingly Stupid (Why Would You Do That???) Profile
(Example 1, Example 2)
Barbara, HR Manager at Operative Consultants
I don’t have to tell you that right now, it’s hard being an HR manager. But one thing that’s made life easier during covid is requiring our employees to still come to the physical office. They appreciate the sense of normalcy, and it allows us to project an image of unity during these difficult times.
One thing we’ve done to add a little spunk to our routine is our daily company floor picnics. Instead of going out for lunch and potentially get sick, we all sit together, socially distanced, in a different employee’s creation station each day.
And wouldn’t you know? What a hit they’ve been! Not only have we all gotten to know each other better, but it really allows time for constructive criticism, pointing out things that they might not have noticed themselves. That pot of azaleas might look pretty, but it’s an allergy risk — get in the game, Chris!
Productivity per individual contributor has never been higher. Between these candid lunchtime feedback sessions, and optimization by letting go of ill-fitting employees, we’ve vastly improved the average quality of our talent pool.
That’s what a good HR manager does: adds a little chlorine to make sure your employees don’t get infected by bad ideas
#3. TMI Profile
(Example 1, Example 2)
Kendra, Self-Starter, Personal Assistant to Prime Motivation Division
If you’re a hungry employee, you can never be off the clock.
Case in point, when I was working at a no-name local firm, more “small business” than “startup,” I needed tequila to lubricate the spaces between sales calls. That made some of my conversations with clients a little too smooth.
I ended up meeting a particularly handsome client in person that way. One thing led to another, and I closed the deal with him in more ways than one.
By relating to the client’s most intimate goals and strategic vision, I was able to earn his trust and fully demonstrate my competence. He was so impressed by my talents that were being squandered away, he offered to hire me at his company, a Forbes top 100. I quit my old job the next day and never looked back.
Always take the initiative and always be on the lookout for opportunities, because they will come in places you never expect them to!
#4. “Made Up Children” Profile
(Example 1, Example 2)
Eugene, Sonographic Diagnostics Supply Chain Management Expert
When I got back from my business trip to Dubai, I expected a bonus from my boss. I didn’t expect a bonus from my three and four year old children.
I was worried I wasn’t spending enough time with them, so I brought them and my wife along to the five star hotel we were staying at for the week. The first night there, I expected us to go out to dinner together, but my kids had something else in mind.
The two of them were each on a phone, ordering room service.
Me: “Do you know how expensive that is?”
Them: “But dad! Your time is your most valuable asset. You always taught us to only invest in activities that scale.”
Me: “That’s true.”
Them: “Outsourcing menial work to others is the best way to optimize the return on your time investment.”
Me (with a smile): “And that’s why I outsource you both to childcare too!”
I tell you what, friends. That room service we ate was far tastier than any restaurant. Dessert wasn’t some silly ice cream, it was using our time saved to pound away e-mails and phone calls that needed doing.
My kids did more than order food that nourished my body — they gave me some food for thought.
Be sure to check out the video for some dramatic readings, and some hilarious chat contributions!
If you want to join us and help write a story by trolling in chat, or share your own writing for feedback, then we’d love to have you join us on Twitch.
And you missed the stream, you can still watch them on the YouTube channel or watch the full stream reruns.
Hope to see you next time, friend!
