You find yourself in a Home Depot surrounded by cute grills. You’re craving some delicious grilled meat, but there’s one problem.
You can only afford to buy one of the grills.
Which one will you share your life with? It’s time to go on some dates!
During the last stream, we did an exercise we’ve done a couple times before where chat suggested some crazy WikiHow articles, and then we voted on two for us to write very short stories about.
It was a fierce competition, but in the end, this WikiHow article was the winner: How to Date an Otaku Girl.
And then somehow… that topic evolved a bit.
Watch the video here to see the process,
or scroll down to read what we wrote.
Here’s the final draft that we edited together:
Welcome to The Grill Dating Simulator! You find yourself in a Home Depot surrounded by cute grills. You’re craving some delicious grilled meat, but there’s one problem. You can only afford to buy one of the grills. Which one will you share your life with? It’s time to go on some dates!
Four beautiful grills stand before you: Wendy Weber, Cassie Coleman, Georgina Foreman, and Chargrill. Who do you approach first?
You decide to walk up to Wendy Weber. There’s just something hypnotic about her pristine metallic shine. The way her wings flare out to the side, it’s like she’s already setting your heart ablaze. Although as you get closer, you notice the necklace around her open hood: the price tag that has four digits. Wendy may be a little pricey for you.
“First of all,” Wendy says, her tone smacking you like a spatula to the face. “How dare you even get near me with what you’re wearing. If you can’t afford even a decent apron, then you definitely can’t afford to turn me on. Honey, looking at your discount-bin-at-Target-ass, you ain’t even good enough to scrape the scraps off my grill grates.”
You got roasted. As expected, Wendy was a little high maintenance. Your heart sinks a little, but your wallet breathes a sigh of relief.
You turn your attention to Cassie Coleman. She’s short, small, and undeniably cute. She’s a grill who can go anywhere. You imagine taking her on a camping trip, at night just the two of you under the stars, and in the morning together enjoying some gristling sausages that she made. She’s a grill who’s ready for anything!
“Hey there, partner!” Cassie says with a country twang. “Did you know I’m having a sale today? Yup, you can get me and a can of propane to plug right in for free! So if you were worried about the extra cost, you don’t need to do that anymore. You can just take me home. Right now. I can’t wait to cook up something special with you! I’ll make some delicious steaks and chicken for our cross-country drives, our hiking trips, and of course, I’ll cater when we get married! Then, when we have cute little grill-kids, I’ll make sure to cook all of their—”
You slowly shuffle away from Cassie. Clingy grills can be scary. Nothing’s worse than a grill that you think is giving you space, but then suddenly gets you stuck onto them with a grease stain and burns you.
The next grill in the lineup is Georgina Foreman. She’s a small one, but she’s electric. Every inch of her sleek black body is tuned to perfection. There’s not an inch of unnecessary bells or whistles on her. All told, she’s a total knockout!
“I’m a lean, mean, fat grilling machine!” Georgina says with an adorable chuckle and gleaming smile. “But I wasn’t always this way. You should’ve seen me before all my fat trickled down into my drip tray. Oh I was a mess back then! But now, thanks to healthy eating, and a more active lifestyle, I’ve gotten rid of all the fat… and you can too! I only grill veggie burgers, and maybe a turkey burger once every other third Tuesday. And if you’re feeling frisky, then hey, maybe we can heat up some tofu dogs together! By the way, have you tried George Foreman brand DHC fish oil pills?”
You mumble something about a seafood allergy that you don’t actually have and step away from Georgina. She was attractive for sure, but if you’re going to get a grill-friend, you want to make sure that she can handle your kind of meat.
There’s only one grill left: Chargrill. Honestly, she’s a little boxy. She doesn’t quite have the same curves as the other grills. And you can already tell that since she is a charcoal grill, she’d get real dirty real fast. As you approach her, she raises her smokey-eyes.
“Hey there, hot buns,” she says, her voice sizzling like a fatty hamburger over burning coals. “You wanna know what I can do with your meat? I can get you drooling in five seconds flat. You’ll come begging back for more after I smoke your sausage. But hey, if you’d rather have one of those fancy grills that don’t do anything but break after you turn up the heat, then be my guest. My body can handle anything. The only question is, can you handle me, Sir Loin?”
At this point, you’re sweating. The credit card is already in your hand, moist and slippery.
“Allow me to raise the steaks,” Chargrill whispers in your ear. She brushes her metallic wing against your earlobe. The feel of her cold metal against your skin sends a chill of anticipation through you. Only you could hear her sweet words.
“I come with with a detailed operation instruction manual and recipe book. You’ll always know how to work my knobs.”
Sold. You never really believed in love at first sight, but maybe, now you believe in love at first ignite.
Be sure to check out the video for our reactions to the story!
If you want to join us and help write a story by trolling in chat, or share your own writing for feedback, then we’d love to have you. We stream on Twitch every Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
And you missed the stream, you can still watch them on the YouTube channel or watch the full stream reruns.
Hope to see you next time, friend!
Featured image: Wikipedia (edited by me)
