When writing dialogue, “said” can get old really fast if it’s used too much.
Often, writers are tempted to replace the word “said” with different words (such as “laughed,” “smiled,” or “erupted”), but that usually ends up even worse.
Thankfully there’s something else super easy you can to do replace “said” that will not only vary things up, but improve your writing overall too.
During the last stream, the viewers voted that we go over “How to Spice up “Said.'”
You can see our full discussion here, along with some viewer creations,
or scroll down for the highlights.
First, let’s read this scene:
“I don’t think I like living under the rule of the Ants,” Karen said.
“Yeah, things were a lot better before they took over the world,” Tom said.
“What’s wrong? Are you guys getting a little… ants-y?” Michelle said.
“Michelle, if you don’t shut your mouth, then I’ll shut it for you… perman-ant-ly,” Karen said.
Did you find it a little boring and dry? I know I did.
Beginner writers often go about fixing this in the wrong way. They can identify that they’re using the word “said” too much, but rather than change the underlying issue, they just swap it out for different words, ending up with something like this:
“I don’t think I like living under the rule of the Ants,” Karen stated.
“Yeah, things were a lot better before they took over the world,” Tom empathized.
“What’s wrong? Are you guys getting a little… ants-y?” Michelle laughed.
“Michelle, if you don’t shut your mouth, then I’ll shut it for you… perman-ant-ly,” Karen glared.
Aside from “stated,” which is already kind of awkward, the other verbs don’t really work with dialogue, making the scene read even worse than before.
Instead, the best thing to do is replace “said” with body language and character description. It not only shows us WHO is talking, but HOW they’re saying it too.
Let’s take a look at what that could look like:
Karen crossed her arms and stared unblinking into the fire, the first one they’d managed to light after days on the run. When she spoke, her words care out trembling.
“I don’t think I like living under the rule of the Ants.”
Tom scooted up next to her on their shared log and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “Yeah, things were a lot better before they took over the world.”
Michelle snorted through her nose. “What’s wrong? Are you guys getting a little… ants-y?”
Karen glared at her, only stopped from leaping up and shoving her in the chest by Tom’s arm around her.
“Michelle, if you don’t shut up your mouth, then I’ll shut it for you,” she said. Then, the absurdity of their situation hitting her, she couldn’t help but chuckle and add, “Perman-ant-ly.”
Overall, there’s three guidelines to using “said.”
1) It’s perfectly okay to use “said.” The only time it becomes as issue is when it’s used multiple times in a row.
2) When that happens, don’t just replace “said” with different verbs. Some verbs work (groan, beg, yell) but many do not (smile, shrug, explode).
3) Use body language and character description whenever possible. Not only does it naturally “vary up” the word “said,” but it also paints HOW the person is saying it, AND it slows down the pacing.
Chat then voted that we write a scene between these three characters, using what we learned:
#1: A person who thinks they broke their toe when they stubbed it before the conversation started, but doesn’t want to mention it to the other person.
#2: A 40-year old man who won’t let go of his stuffed giraffe.
#3: A young woman who deals with multiple personalities and has a date coming up but is afraid of them appearing mid date.
Here’s what we came up with:
Sue was sweating profusely as she sat across from her date at Paizono’s Pizza. She dabbed her glistening forehead with a handful of tissues, quickly soaking them all the way through. When she placed them back down next to the parmesan and red pepper shakers, it made a thick squishing sound.
“Are you okay?” asked her date Yid from across the table. He was a forty-year-old man with tumbleweed hair on the sides of his head and nothing but a barren flesh desert on top.
Sue quickly grabbed another handful of napkins from the metal dispenser. “Yeah, I’m fine. Why? Are you fine?”
Yid squeezed something beneath the table. Sue couldn’t see what it was; she assumed it was his leg or his own pile of sweaty napkins.
“Yeah, I’m good. Do you want to order now?”
Before Sue could reply, the waiter stumbled over, a grin of gritting teeth filling up half his tomato-red face. He spoke his words without moving his lips as all, as if a fork was lodged in his throat.
“Are you ready… for me to… take you order… sir and ma’am?”
Yid smiled up at the waiter. “Yes, I’ll have a small cheese pizza. And, uh, also….” He looked down in his lap, then slowly brought something up onto the table. At first Sue didn’t recognize what it was, but then when he placed it in front of her, she gasped.
“Is that a… stuffed giraffe?”
“Yup,” Yid said. The giraffe was the size of his head, and he was squeezing it with both hands, as if trying to fill it with straight love from his palms. “His name is Mr. Cilantrino and he would like a single slice of pineapple pizza, please.”
Sue was awestruck. She’d never been on a date with a man who brought his stuffed animal before. Seeing it gave her the courage to say the words she’d always wanted. To tell Yid about the thing she brought on every date with her—and everywhere else she went—and had never told anyone before.
“Shizu would like to order just a plain cheese pizza please.”
The waiter raised an eyebrow, but wrote down her order in his notepad. Yid cocked his head, confused as well.
“Who’s Shizu?” he asked.
Sue took a deep mental breath before replying. “She’s the woman that lives inside of me. My other personality. We share this body and switch roles sometimes. And… her favorite food is sweaty napkins. I’m not sweating because I’m nervous, I’m sweating to prepare her meal for her. There’s nothing she likes better than a pile of sweaty napkins on top of a hot, cheezy pizza.”
From across the table, Yid gave Sue the most affectionate response he could think of. He brought the head of Mr. Cilantrino up to Sue’s nose, and then bonked it agaisnt the tip, making kissy sounds.
“I think Mr. Cilantrino likes you,” he said. “And Shizu too. Almost as much as I do.”
The waiter groaned and rolled his eyes, tearing out their order from his notepad and walking back to the kitchen, grumbling to himself.
“Why does my restaurant attract all the crazies? Just for once, I’d like to get a nice, young couple in here who—GAH!”
The waiter banged his toe into the leg of a table, the same one he’d hit on his way out. From behind him came a shrill voice.
“Oh noesies!” said Yid, waving his giraffe in the air. “Does someone’s toesie need a kissy from Mr. Cilantrino?”
Yes, it may be a silly scene, but at least it’s well-paced and visual, thanks to the body language and character description. “Said” was used so sparingly, I bet you didn’t even notice the few parts we used it when you were reading!
After that, chat voted that we write this prompt: Your main character has been studying their whole life. With everyone in their family having gone to an ivy league school, your main character feels the pressure to get in and get A’s. They even stoop to low levels to do so.
Here’s what we came up with:
Clarissa slipped into Sam’s car after school in the parking lot, ready to discuss their latest business transaction.
“Okay,” she said, pulling out her glittering wallet from her backpack. “Are we good on this week’s Physics test?”
Sam reached into the backseat of the car, pushing around empty McDonald’s bags and paper cups, until he latched onto a manila folder with his black-painted fingernails. He held it in front of him, brushing his neon-blue hair out of his eyes. He smiled at Clarissa, his silver lip-piercing gleaming right along with his nose ring.
Clarissa always wondered which of them hurt more to get, but she never wanted to spend more time than necessary dealing with Sam. Their relationship was strictly business. Not to mention illegal.
Clarissa curled her fingers in a beckoning motion. “All right, lemme see it.”
She reached out for the folder, but Sam jerked it away at the last second. Clarissa immediately became aware of all the students walking to their cars around them. What if one of them spotted Sam’s stupid, sudden movement? Then there would be questions. Rumors. Detention. Explusion, from both her school and her family.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Clarissa hissed. “Just give me the test and I’ll give you the cash. Same as always.”
Sam shook his head, bringing his blue hair back over an eye, and sending his piercings jingling.
“Nuh uh. This time’s different. I don’t want your daddy’s money anymore. I want something else.”
Clarissa’s blood turned to ice. She reached for the car door, ready to run. Sam just laughed at her.
“Not like that,” he said. “I have a mission for you to do.”
Clarissa slowly slipped her hand away from the door handle, keeping her narrowed eyes focused on Sam.
“What is it?” she asked.
Sam’s smile faded. He looked to the floor. For the first time, he looked like an actual person, not the rebel, college-dropout son of Clarissa’s stupid Physics teacher Mrs. Beekner. He looked over at Clarissa, his eyeliner eyes locked onto her, his fingers shaking slightly.
“I need you to spy on my mom. I think she’s cheating on my dad with the Biology teacher.”
If you want to join us and help write a story by trolling in chat, or share your own writing for feedback, then we’d love to have you. We stream on Twitch every Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday at 6:30pm-10:30pm (U.S. Eastern Standard Time).
And you missed the stream, you can still watch them on the YouTube channel or watch the full stream reruns.
Hope to see you next time, friend!
Scott Wilson is the author of the novel Metl: The ANGEL Weapon,
forthcoming March 2019.
Featured image: Pakutaso (Edited by me)