Church bells are ringing. Elves are singing. Donkeys are braying for joy.
Shrek and Santa Claus are getting married!
…there’s only one problem: they can’t use the letter “E” to tell their story.
During the last stream, the Wheel of Prompticality landed on the rare “stipulation.” That meant chat got to pick a crazy stipulation for us to write with.
After a long-fought poll, these two stipulations emerged victorious: (1) NO USING THE LETTER “E” AT ALL and (2) Write a story about Shrek marrying Santa Claus.
Scroll down to read our story below, or watch the process here.
You can see some great stories chat came up with here too!
Here’s what we came up with:
A fat bulging bog local is snoozing on his pillow with his quilt, but without warning, a clacking sound starts to pound from his roof. Angry at this stirring, it jumps out from its cozy cocoon and stomps outdoors, with a shout boiling in its throat.
“Go away from my swamp!” it barks to a round, crimson shadow. With a flash of moonlight, snowy facial hair and a rosy blush crop into sight, bringing with it a similarly robust man giggling with joy. It’s Santa!
“Ho ho ho!” his laugh rings loud. “Happy Christmas to you, my pal! I had you on my good boy list, but now I think you win a spot on my naughty list, you oozy troll!”
“Ha ha ha, you big galoot!” bursts a slimy roar. “That was my plan all along. I did it consciously! My goal was to turn into a naughty boy for you.”
A wink floats from Santa’s pupils. “What did you think, I didn’t know that? I know what you do in your imagination at night during your naps. Santa knows all, you stinky stud muffin.”
Smacking sounds from moist, mossy lips waft from Armpit Mold’s mouth to Santa. But quickly stop.
“Wait. I’m no marshland tramp. If you want this tangy turd all to your own, you gotta put a ring on it first!”
“But what about Mrs. Claus?” Santa asks. “I was just thinking of a singular-night stand. Don’t want to annul, too much work.”
In that instant, a gray pony trots up. In his mouth is a bloody nightcap and on his tail is a gold ring.
“Don’t worry about Mrs. Claus,” Swamp Ass says. “That big mama’s six foot down, if you know what I imply. Now, this ring on my tail will go sail without fail to your hand!”
As if by magic, it did fly up and wrap around two digits now bound by lust.
“I now proclaim you man and muck!” Swamp Ass brays. “Whaddya say, guys?”
Dank Avocado Giant and Santa grin, touch hands, and say in unison: “I do.”
If you want to join us and help write a story by trolling in chat, or share your own writing for feedback, then we’d love to have you. We stream on Twitch every Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday at 7:30pm-11:30pm (U.S. Eastern Standard Time).
And you missed the stream, you can still watch them on the YouTube channel, or watch the full stream reruns.
Hope to see you next time, friend!
Scott Wilson is the author of the novel Metl: The ANGEL Weapon,
forthcoming March 2019.