WikiHow is one of the craziest places on the Internet, and that’s saying something. It has articles on literally everything, from How to Keep Your Glasses From Fogging Up to How to Calculate Pi by Throwing Frozen Hot Dogs. All with completely serious instructions and professional step-by-step illustrations.
So then what happens when we write a story about a random WikiHow article?
During the last stream, we did an exercise where we found some random WikiHow articles, and then chat voted on one for us to write a story about.
It was a fierce competition, but in the end, this WikiHow was the winner: How to Apologize to Your Cat.
Slightly different from the other times we’ve done this, this time we wrote a bunch of short 100-word stories based on the article. Chat even provided some of their own!
You can watch a recap of the exercise here,
or scroll down to read some of the ones we came up with.
Apologizing after neutering them
Water Bottle had never looked so broken. He laid on the couch in his favorite spot, right where the sunbeams warmed the cushion, his mouth hanging open and drool spilling out. We’d just come back from the vet, and a piece of him had been snipped away forever. Guilt rippled through me. I had to apologize. I sat down next to him, rubbing my fingers through his luscious coat. He would’ve been so popular with the lady cats, but not anymore.“It’s okay, Water Bottle,” I said. “How about I go get you some cat nip?”
Water Bottle turned to me, narrowed his cat eyes, and bared his teeth as he spoke. “Oh please, Karen. I’m not like you. I don’t intend to drown my sorrows in drugs.”
Apologizing for getting them a cheaper brand of cat food
I’d made a horrible mistake. Instead of the ten dollar Fancy Feast tuna in water, I’d gone with the Sam’s Club brand god-knows-what-it-is-but-it’s-only-five-bucks-don’t-ask-questions brand. Money had been tight this month, and Meow Face needed to make some sacrifices along with me. I’d filled her bowl with the gloppy chunks of muckus-fish packed in motor oil. She’d looked up at me like this was a horrible joke at first, but when I walked away without a replacement, that’s when the meowing started. I sat down at my computer, trying to do work, but Meow Face was all over my keyboard and lap, crying nonstop. I brushed her away, and for a moment it was silent; I was able to work. But then my screen shut out, straight to black. My heart stopped, I looked down, and there was Meow Face, standing triumphantly on all fours with the computer’s power cord snapped in half in her mouth.Apologizing by giving them human food like ham/cheese
After I’d stepped on Bubbles’s tail and she ran away hissing, I knew I had to make it up to her. I opened the fridge to see what kind of snacks I could make as a peace offering. All I had was an empty bottle of ketchup, a bag of tea leaves I’d never used, and a Lunchables ham and cheese set that I’d already eaten the Oreo dessert out of.With no other options, I grabbed some slices of processed ham and cheese, and crawled into my bedroom where Bubbles was hiding under the bed, still hissing at me. I held out the ham and cheese together, slowly bringing it toward her mouth. As soon as she got the protein whiff, her face relaxed, and she started licking them. All it took was a couple of tongue strokes before she confirmed that they were in fact delicious, and she chomped a big bite.
I breathed a sigh of relief as she swallowed it down, glad to be back on happy terms. But then her face shot up as if she’d heard a mouse. He stomach buckled, and she let out a small whine. Behind her, a clear bubble popped out of her butt, starting at the size of a quarter and expanding to the size of a baseball before it burst, releasing with it the horrible smell of cat farts mixed with expired meat and cheese.
“Pee-yew!” I groaned, clenching my nose while Bubbles took another bite. “Well at least now I know why the shelter called you Bubbles.”
Apologizing that they can never grow into a lion/tiger, like My Hero Academia
Purrs Percy was doing what she did every night, sitting in the chair in front of my computer, as she watched YouTube videos of Claw Might, the mighty lion, saving baby cats from danger all over the world.“There’s nothing to furry about,” Claw Might roared victoriously. “Why? Because I am here!”
Purrs Percy let out a soft, affectionate noise as she turned to me.
“I can’t wait to grow up and be big and strong, just like Claw Might!” she said, her tiny eyes twinkling.
I couldn’t take it any longer. I’d been performing this charade long enough, letting Purrs Purcy build up her castle of dreams on a foundation of lies. Overcome with emotion, I wrapped my arms around her, leaking tears into her fur.
“I’m so sorry, Purrs Purcy!” I cried. “I should’ve told you earlier.”
Purrs Percy’s body went limp, in shock at what was going on.
“W-what are you talking about, mom?” she asked.
It took all the strength I had to force the words out. My stomach clenched. My heart raced. It felt like bile coming out of my throat. Unpleasant, but necessary, like a furball.
“You… you won’t ever grow up to be a lion,” I said.
“W… what?” Purrs Puercy whispered.
“Because you’re a… you’re actually a… catfish!”
After that, chat voted that we write this prompt: Emotions can be controlled. Thoughts can be stolen. In the world your character lives in, holding on to your own sanity is the difference between destruction and thriving.
If you want to join us and help write a story by trolling in chat, or share your own writing for feedback, then we’d love to have you. We stream on Twitch every Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday at 7:30pm-11:30pm (U.S. Eastern Standard Time).
And you missed the stream, you can still watch them on the YouTube channel or watch the full stream reruns.
Hope to see you next time, friend!
Scott Wilson is the author of the novel Metl: The ANGEL Weapon,
forthcoming March 2019.
Featured image: Pakutaso (Edited by me)